Ever feel like you’re unworthy of going out with your friends because you feel unattractive?
Or like you don’t add any value to the world BECAUSE you’re not as good looking as the other people who do what you do? (Because sex sells, right?)
Feel like you want to hide your face to avoid the dread and what-ifs?
Yeah, let’s talk about that. Because I’ve struggled with that my entire life (ugh, hello bacne, nice to see you’re still here).
But I’ve taught myself some things over the years that have helped me release the pressure and, in turn, win people over.
They’ll help you, too.
Here’s what you’ll get from this video:
• 1:02 | How feeling unattractive can stop your career, habits, and hobbies in their tracks
• 1:45 | A perspective that will change your mind when you think you couldn’t be more boring to look at
• 2:49 | The one thing to remember when you’re afraid to be seen in public (aka how you can still woo people even with greasy morning skin and bedhead)
• 5:10 | What a college frat party taught me about myself and how people saw me
• 6:00 | What your feelings of unattractiveness wish you knew
• 7:33 | How to become irresistibly sexy in any moment
Here’s a quote from this video that you’ll love:
“The things that we most often hate about ourselves are the things that people love about us the most.”
You start to get ready for a night out with friends, and the only thought in your mind is, “It’s not gonna be my day.”
But you try to get yourself together anyway.
You put on makeup, curl your hair, and try on 12 different outfits. And—like you predicted—none of them fit your curves the way they should.
It starts to sink in that you don’t want to be seen. You have a sense that everyone’s going to be gawking at your friends, but no one’s gonna want to talk to you.
That’s not a good feeling whatsoever. And none of us are immune to it from time to time.
What life looks like when you feel unattractive
The pressure of having to look good to catch and hold people’s attention is so. much.
And that feeling doesn’t only disrupt your mojo of getting to know new people. It stops your confidence in your career and hobbies, too.
It shows up as a subtle voice that sounds like:
“I don’t want to put myself out there.”
“I don’t have anything to offer that somebody else doesn’t already have to offer, so I’m not gonna waste my time.”
“There’s nothing special about me. Why am I even trying?”
That voice is there to keep us safe from feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
But you don’t have to stay stuck in that space for the rest of your life.
(Side note: let yourself feel those shitty feelings completely. When you do that, they lose power over you, and that actually gives them a space of non-resistance to leave.
But once you’ve cleared those feelings, it’s time to add new perspective. Otherwise your mind will rubber-band back to those thought patterns. That’s what it’s trained to do.)
So the next time you’d want to hide behind your covers & a pint of Ben & Jerry’s to not risk being seen, remember these 3 things:
#1 Don’t Punish Yourself
Things are never as they appear to be in our own minds.
It turns out the times we feel like crap about ourselves are the times other people think we’re gorgeous.
What’s really going on is, we can’t always see our own beauty because we’re so used to looking at ourselves.
We see the same “picture” of ourselves over and over again so we numbingly think, “Wow, I couldn’t be more boring to look at.”
I have that run-in with my friends all the time. Sometimes I’ll apologize for my current breakout and that I chose to wear baggy clothes that day.
But their response is always, “No way, I was just thinking about how gorgeous you are when you aren’t even trying! And honestly, I didn’t even notice your acne.”
And I share the same enamored thoughts about them when they want to apologize for how they look.
(Side note: If you think someone is gorgeous, TELL THEM. Even if it’s every time you see them. Do you know how good it feels when someone compliments you?? Yeah, imagine if we all got a daily dose of compliments from friends and strangers. How would we carry ourselves and interact in a world like that?)
#2 Your energy trumps your appearance
Have you ever seen someone who wasn’t “traditionally” attractive? But they had this confidence about who they were and how they did things, that you were so damn attracted to them.
The same goes for you.
There are qualities you have that other people don’t, and that alone makes them drawn to you. The best part? You don’t have to spend a minute dolling yourself up for that.
You’ve experienced this for yourself, too.
Have you ever seen a model-worthy person who turned out to be a total douche? Once you saw that, you didn’t care a bit about how they looked—they became the most unattractive person to you.
Because your vibe is more telling than your looks.
And you don’t have to be to be this perfect, happy-go-lucky kind of person to have attractive energy. All that matters is that you show up and own yourself completely. Your thoughts, your opinions, and your sometimes-quirky looks.
There are times I’m not feeling 100% on my confidence game, but people still say that I come off as such a bright light. (Even when I’m feeling like a complete mood-sucker.)
Because people see your energy—the level of realness you’re willing to own. And they can tell when you’re trying too hard to say or do the right thing to get their approval.
When you let yourself be truthful, and you share your stories, likes, and dislikes in a non-defensive way, that draws people in to you. And you become so much sexier than your looks alone could do.
(Also if someone doesn’t like you for those things, GOOD. You don’t need to waste your time trying to force something that isn’t going to fit, period.)
What a frat party taught me about my attraction
I was a freshman at West Chester University when my sister was a senior there. So, like any good older sister would, she took me out to a frat party.
She dressed me up in a cameo and cowgirl boots (holy shit that is not. me.) and ushered me in to wave-pool of people.
I ended up as the lonely girl who leaned against the wall with only a cellphone light illuminating her face. The whole night.
I was so intimidated. Every time my sister introduced me to someone, the conversation stopped at “Hi, nice to meet you!” and I’d turn to look at the floor for reassurance.
I convinced myself that no one wanted to talk to me, and I was clearly the ugliest girl in the room otherwise everyone would have wanted to talk to me.
But it turns out I just don’t connect with frat-party people.
Never did and probably never will. It’s just not me.
Once I changed who I hung around, I realized that I was a people-person, and that I was attractive and desirable to those people.
The point is, there are so many things going for you. You always have something that someone finds attractive. You only have to align with yourself, be honest with yourself, and be real about yourself.
#3 It’s never about your looks
Chances are, if you’re feeling ugly, you’re feeling bad about something else in your life first.
My friend described this perfectly over the phone the other day. “It’s a whole compilation of little things.”
Those things could be:
• You feel like you’ve annoyed someone else and now things are awkward
• You made another mistake at work, and you feel like everyone’s keeping score
• Or you poured your heart out into posts for your business and nobody acknowledged you
All those judgments spill over into the way we see our appearance.
And our entire perspective of ourselves becomes skewed.
And then, like I mentioned, it slows you down and makes you want to give up on everything because you feel unworthy.
Here’s how you turn that around:
Ask yourself, “What’s really going on right now?” Lean into those feelings. And give yourself space to accept what you’re actually stressed about or scared of.
And then address those issues fearlessly. Because you’re bigger than them.
But you owe it to yourself to be honest about what’s really bothering you. That’ll give you space to rebuild the way you see yourself.
You’re gorgeous, and you have all the qualities someone’s looking for. In a friend, in a relationship, and even in business.
Remember these things, and be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be the most attractive person in the room to the right people for you.
You’re attractive for way more reasons than your looks.
All good things,
P.S. Want people to want to know you? Headshots help catch the attention of the people you’d love to work with. And they help you see yourself in your true power (which means they’re a great motivator). See what you can have for yourself.